I’m in mourning.

I’m in mourning for the dress I loved that my mom donated when I outgrew it.  For my tinier waist.  For the boyfriend that left me when I lied to him.  I’m mourning the day I lost my virginity.  The business I handed over.

I’m mourning missing that dance with my grandfather.

I’m mourning hot summer days playing in the clown sprinkler.  The butterfly bush I left behind.  The tattoo I had removed.  I mourning my marriage, and my divorce, and the subsequent co-parenting relationship.  I’m mourning the babies.

And that’s because I let all of these things/people/times go, without actually letting them go.

I bought something new, moved on, gave up.  I repressed, covered up, and doused myself in sorrow.  I cut.

And because I did, I’m grieving the things/people/times that are behind me.

Marcel Proust said that “We are healed of a suffering only by expressing it to the full.”

I missed that memo.

And now I’m paying the piper.

So my challenge to myself [and to you] on this gorgeous morning is that you express yourself to the fullest.

Do you love your partner?  Yes!  Tell them right now in no uncertain terms.

Maybe the relationship isn’t serving you – I say again – tell them right now in no uncertain terms.

Are you carrying a hidden debt from your spouse, hating your job, overwhelmed by your children, up for a big promotion, need some space from a friend?

You aren’t [doing this] alone.

Express how you feel to someone else.  Speaking it aloud will make it more real – which may be scary – but it will also take away some of the power of your silence.

I might not be able to return to the moments of my past that I look back on today, but there are some ways that I can make amends.  And if nothing else, I am learning to make better decisions instead of snap judgments + to quietly listen to my inner self instead of listening to Nikki Danger.

I am 35 (+ 1/2 – officially last week).

I know the taste of happiness + love + success – and everything that you normally feel on your way to those things.

I made some decisions that I would love to mulligan.  Because at times, I suffer from their memory.

But I am also ridiculously full of hope + I know that if I am honest with myself + others, on the other side of this crappy feeling in my chest today, I’m going to go on.

Can you relate?

In love,

N

xoxox