Those marriages generally abound most with love and constancy that are preceded by a long courtship. ~Joseph Addison, The Spectator
Happy Wednesday, folks.
Just a few months into our relationship, Domenick said he hoped I was ready because he was going to ask me to marry him.
Fast-forward six years to today.
He still tells me I’m pretty and that I’m smart. He takes good care of the little family that we have built.
But – he hasn’t asked.
I’d be a liar if I said that the whispering gremlin hasn’t popped into my mind saying – you’re not good enough.
Since I was a little girl, I have often been sidetracked by thoughts that I wasn’t good enough.
And my relationship with Domenick has tapped on both sensitive sides of that unhealthy belief.
On one hand, it never matters how much weight I gain or what my hair looks like in the morning – he always tells me I am beautiful. And I always believe him.
Because he is thoughtful and kind.
But on the other hand, it’s hard for me not to feel “not good enough” when the man who said to be ready hasn’t “officially” chosen me – at least in the eyes of our society.
What gives? I’m pretty foxy {wink} and I’m a good mama bear. Over the years, I have worked to heal parts of me that aren’t beautiful – because I want to be gentle and confident. I’m a good egg.
But sometimes I falter, and when I do, it isn’t uncommon for my gremlin to grab my ear and say things that shake my hope of being good enough.
Is this how I’m going to be forever.
He can’t keep having this conversation with me.
I need to do a lot of work before we can talk about taking the next step in our relationship.
I slip on my running kicks and limber up.
Because I don’t like making mistakes in front of people – particularly those closest to me.
It feels easier to start over then to pick myself up, dust myself off, and try again until I get it right.
But now that I’m 36, I recognize that there’s nowhere to go.
I may not be able to give my children my original version of a “nuclear family”, but I can give them something that resembles it – something else that is wonderful.
To find love, to make a commitment, and to see it through.
It won’t always be pretty, but I trust that there is something to navigating through life together, and at the end, being thankful for the person you did it with.
Would I be thankful for my boyfriend, Domenick, the person I did it with, if I died tomorrow? Absolutely.
It is true romance.
Because “romance”, for me, is not flowers and love letters. It has never been.
It’s been someone who brings me a wet washcloth when I’m throwing up. Someone who holds my stinky feet while we are watching TV. Someone who tells me they love me when we make love. Someone who does the tough stuff for me.
Domenick does all of those things. It’s everything that I wanted.
Which only makes me want him to ask me more.
So I beat myself up with thoughts that I’m standing in my own way. And then I falter. And he calls me out. And I grab my Pumas.
Are you following this sticky circle I have myself in?
Here’s the deal.
Insecurities stink. I think that the world expects us to be able to handle a lot, and I am fragile and sensitive. It can be hard for me. Can you relate?
But the plain and simple of it is that I am good enough.
Almost all of the time, in fact, I’m pretty great.
But I have moments.
And while I’d love to promise everyone I love that I can cabash all of my disempowering behaviors or beliefs, I can’t.
But that doesn’t mean that I am destined to become a crazy cat lady [PS – I happen to have a cat who I love, so don’t get all up-in-arms].
It means I have opportunities, and I think that when I do meet God, he’s going to tell me that I done good.
In the meantime, I plan on enjoying what we have today.
I choose him.
All the rest will come.
See you on the flip-side.
In love,
Noelle
xoxox