This is the conversation that my husband and I have been having now for the last week. He plays the guitar. He sings. He creates songs after strumming a few cords. He makes all of that into a CD that people listen to. Now, that’s a talent!
Some people are athletic. Some are crazy smart. Others can cook, design, create, or cure. I, on the other hand, have no talent. This has been decided. When I envision myself up against everyone I see on Facebook, I clearly lack imagination and skill.
My husband disagrees which is a big part of the reason why I love him.
When I asked him what my talent was – he told me very clearly that it’s that I write. The problem with this is that I do not actually write, that much, any more.
I refuse to acknowledge that I’m too busy to write. Put simply, my life seems very full and therefore cannot accommodate my “hobbies”, but when I determined that I obviously lacked skillsets, I had to rethink where I was putting my energy.
There are a few things that I am really passionate about. Relationships being one of those things. Religion and spirituality being another. Our community following closely, and a lot less jarring to people, which is where the bulk of my time resides.
I’m going to say this very plainly: I love love and I love God. (You already know I love Toms River so let’s put a pin in that for now, shall we?)
It doesn’t go over my head that it seems odd that a divorced woman would say that she loves marriage, but it’s the truth. It’s a truth that I struggle with every day. A truth that makes me feel so thankful for Domenick and so sorry for what was. The long and short of things is that I lied to myself. I made myself believe that:
- it’s him
- we’ll be better apart
- the kids won’t be the wiser
- this is for the best
- we’ve done everything that we can
Lies.
To be clear, I would not take back a single day of my 3500+ with Domenick. Not a single second. Well…there are probably a few seconds that I wish that we didn’t experience, but I digress. What my ego talked me into all those years ago, however, all of those crazy bullet points above, in retrospect are simply lies.
Here’s the truth:
- It wasn’t him, it was me.
- We weren’t, necessarily, better apart than together.
- The kids, for sure, were the wiser.
- Who was it the best for?
- We DID NOT do everything that we could have.
Some would think that writing about these feelings would be detrimental for my current relationship. However, it has quite the opposite effect. The feelings and thoughts that I had while I was with my sons’ father were the precipitous for us to separate. How could we get through this given what I am thinking, feeling, wanting, needing? And what I realized that if I added that to what would inevitably be similar feelings and thoughts that I had while I was with Domenick…there would be no getting through it. Hard stop. Second marriages, in short, fail nearly 70% of the time.
Being divorced stinks.
I am still, over a decade later, reconciling that relationship.
And if I don’t acknowledge that I need to make a change, I’m sure to repeat myself.
I will talk about the work that I have done on myself in order to be a better partner. I will share the darkest parts of myself that love to creep in when I’m alone, and not answering emails, playing Words with Friends, or scrolling through IG feeds. I will tell you what has gotten me to where I am today – which certainly isn’t perfect, but that which I am proud of. I will give you my advice, which is, in general, to love on your partner at each turn.
I will write.
I don’t care how cute your IG feed is. I will not be deterred by how many home cooked meals a day you cook or what award your child has earned. I have spoken to enough of you to know that it’s not always as it appears. Life is not easy. Marriage is not easy. Parenting is not easy. It’s time we all step-up as humans. People who are less than perfect. Men and women who have needs to be met. Adults who have so much to give. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for an honest conversation about life, love, and what’s next.